For Once, I wanna let it out...

New year, new life...
I guess I would have to move on upon letting this thing go...

I've had so many regrets of what has happened to me for the past year..
seems to be not good...in general.

First, career-wise, I am still stuck being a level tech support. My operations manager often asks me now, where am I leading? How do I see myself for the next few months or so..? I have said, I might be ready to take the lead. But I feel... am I really ready? Or I am just telling him that so he stopped bugging me. By this month, I should be taking PEP Courses so that I could go on LEAD program eventually right after. This can happen, I know. But LEAD? Can I surely pass it? I dunno.. I'm still doubting myself....

Next, family. I am certain. I really lack time to my kid. I certainly admit.Its my fault.
Daily routine: Go to work, once I get home, while eating lunch, I sit infront of this computer and spend about
3-4 hrs going onto Facebook, or Grand Chase, then when I finally find myself sleepy about 4-5pm, I turn off the stupid pc, and go to bed, will wake up by 12mn to go to work. Where's the time to my kid? Partial... it happens only during weeks, rest days, still most of it, being spent online. My parents get mad. I don't fuckin care. My kid having this behavioral disorders, I don't know how to correct him anymore. I never been a mom to him. I'm afraid, I am not a mommy still -- I am still not acting one, I am fuckin immature, and fuckin not taking my life seriously...

THESE ARE THE THINGS I CERTAINLY MOST REGRET and I intend to change it this year. I am not getting any younger. I am woman now, and not a kid, to act like one. Sadly, I regret having a kid. Maybe because I can't enjoy single hood. But, what the fuck, I am not supposed to be single in the first place!!!  Anyway, since the situation is like this already, I have to accept the fact, that I am a single-parent, because of the stupidest decision I made in my entire life: to let myself fall to a happy-go-lucky-mama's-boy and now, I am suffering still. Suffering for not having a good path in life, after what has happened to us, I still cannot compose myself... Still does not know where my life should go. My happiness is always --- a bit. Partial. Having boyfriends after him still does not change the fact, that after our broke-up, everything in life is broken. I am broken. I don't even know if another guy would marry me, despite everything happened to me in the past. Yes, that may happen, but for how long would someone understand, that HE married me with attachment, and what's my assurance that my kid will be accepted, and will not be treated as his OWN. Greatest fears pre-occupying me, that's why most of my relationships after Angelo, are all such FAILURES. And now, I am afraid to start another relationship, or RENEW a past relationship because of these fears. So many that sometimes, I don't want to think nor to entertain at all.

Significantly, let me share this...

I hate myself. My life would not be like this, if not because of me.
If only I could turn back time, I would choose the time after college, that my plan was so concrete.
I am going to Benjamin Erickson, my American ex-bf for more than 1 year (during college). I would work in Phoenix, Arizona and have a good prosperous life with him. I could've brought my parents there and my siblings, and I would have our own version of HART, which I am pretty much sure, as clever as he can be.

This is not gonna happen anymore...
I certainly regret my life..
I want a good start... But how... I am trying my best to put HART as my inspiration to work harder, to have a clear path for him, but whenever I entertain my emotions, romance, relationships, its leading me to the dark-side. Instead of being inspired, I am more ruined.

I dunno where to go...
How can I start...
How can I find myself..

I guess I would have to start, as if I don't have known Grand Chase.
Many things happened to my life after having this GAME of my LIFE.
Past relationships.
Handling a successful guild.
Meeting new friends and wonderful people, some are something that can be forgotten.
Talking to stranger --- nonsense & worthwhile.
Dealing with trashtalkers, bullcraps in-game.
Everything under the sun, just right in this game.

But then, one thing I cannot regret, is the fact that I enjoyed playing it, otherwise, I would not spend my hours to this game, more than the time I spent to my son...

Sorry for my baby...
Don't worry, Mum will fix herself soon..
Very soon. Before its too late, for the BOTH OF US. :(

#sobshalfbrokenhalffull

How's 2012 to start with?

To Quote :

Water Dogs – Years 1922 and 1982

Less independent, Water Dogs become more self-confident when they’re part of the pack. They prefer being in the pack rather than being the pack’s leader. They’re faithful, affectionate, flexible and relaxed.

Now for 2012 ... Year of the Dragon... what's in store for a water dog like me?

Dragon Compatibility

1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000

Compatible with : Rat, Monkey, Snake, Rooster, Tiger

Less Compatible with : Dragon, Ox, Rabbit, Pig, Ram, Horse 

Least Compatible with : Dog

Awe :(

So I'm not compatible with a Dragon?

What about the my luck this year?

Lemme' check my astrology doctor...

JANUARY THROUGH DECEMBER 2012:

A TIME TO RELAX AND ENJOY LIFE, TO EXPRESS YOUR CREATIVITY AND EXHILARATING ENTHUSIASM.

Your 3 Personal Year

In 2012, concentrate on your many relationships. Spread sunshine and joy among your family and many friends. Be optimistic and cheerful. Keep worry to a minimum. You may find opportunities to travel, possibly in regard to your work or career. Enjoy new friends and some of the creative activity with which they're involved. Enjoy your family and longtime friends, too, and include them in your current social activities. There may be many parties to attend. Give a few lively parties of your own as well. You also may experience some wonderful romantic interludes. Treat these special times with care and sensitivity. They may bring much happiness and delight. In your romances, as in the rest of your encounters, be very open and clear with your feelings. Keep your emotions under control to avoid disagreements. Stay away from people who aren't willing to share their feelings honestly.

Do the necessary work to keep your projects moving but don't take on obligations other than your own. Use an imaginative or creative approach and stress a lighter tone than usual in your ventures. Use any verbal talents you possess. You may find that opportunities in acting, singing or the like prove beneficial.

Monthly Highlights For 2012

The Personal Year is an important yearly influence. This influence, though, is expressed with a somewhat different emphasis each month. Be sure to take the monthly emphasis into account, too, when considering the best approach to take to each month's events. Monthly highlights for 2012 are given next, followed by detailed descriptions for each month.

Try to introduce a joyous note into the work to be done in January. Enjoy fun, excitement and possibly travel in February but plan to spend some pleasant time socializing with your family and close friends in March. Be prepared for some strong feelings -- and possibly partings -- in June. Some close and beautiful romantic times are possible in August. In September, expect more travel for some exciting social activities. More of the same is likely in November, followed by much fun in December.

JANUARY 2012

Your 4 Personal Month

Take care of the work that comes your way in January and the year will get off to a positive start. Complete the required details on some of your ongoing ventures. Check into the possibility of buying or selling a house, possibly around January 18th. Fulfill your current family obligations and business duties. Get everything in order and take care of any paperwork or legal matters that fall within your jurisdiction on January 22nd or so. Organize your plans in order to move ahead with some of the ideas you had at the end of 2011. Proceed to build the base you're likely to need in continuing the development of these ventures, especially the development of your powers of expression. All your work will be enhanced by using as much creative input as possible. Friends who are approached tactfully may contribute some imaginative ideas or open some significant doors. Take care of any health matters that need attention. Enjoy socializing, particularly from January 26th on.

TORN BETWEEN BEING A MOM AND A FRIEND...

I never been into this situation wherein I am torn between being a mom and a friend...

Here's the drama behind my DRAMA.... 

My two friends came with me when I went home Sunday morning few weeks ago... I felt bad because they don't have a place where they can stay, and spend their nights safely somewhere. I felt that they badly needed my help, and so, because of that, I brought them home. I talked to my parents, told that these two were my officemates needed new place to stay because they were kicked off by their landlord from their previous nest. 

I can't tell my parents exactly what going on...

That these two are not really my officemates...

They are my friends who decided to leave their homes because of personal issues.

I am not that cruel to let them stay somewhere 5AM in the morning, nothing to eat, nowhere to rest and sleep. That's why I brought them home instead.

I know its not right to tell lies, but that's the only way, thay my parents would let them stay, rather rent or occupy the apartment just beside my residence.

Here's the thing... after few days of them missing, a lot of their friends and family members. They were so dead looking for them, asked all of my guild members, including me, for the most part, I took all the never-ending-where's-he/she questions. 

I don't know what to say.

UNTIL THIS MOST DRAMATIC TEXT CAME INTO MY PHONE...

My girl-friend's mom, texted me. Looking for her kid. I was touched..

Her mom texted the most touching text I never had in my entire life... She's begging for me to tell if I know where to find her kid, to help her. That her kid never asked permission nor tell her where she went to. That she's been longing for her. Never spent Christmas. That this was the only time this thing happened. That she's terribly worried where her kid was. Begged me to help her to find her kid, if there's an instance that I was able to talk to her, to please tell her to go home...

Now, I dunno what to do...

My girl-friend's mom kept calling me @ my cellphone.

I told her that I can only contact her via facebook.

Even her stupid ex-bf was looking for her through me, with such annoying messages,

I can't help answering bluntly rude.

God knows I wanna tell where she is. 

But I am torn. She does not want to tell and one most importantly,

MY PARENTS for sure will HIT ME REAL HARD, for covering their asses, for keeping them with me even though I know what they did is wrong, that I suppose to convince them to go back home...

Now...

I am at least finally relieved.

That these two finally decided to leave here, and go back home. However, the guy will bring her to his home, not to her home, so for sure, My girl-friend's mom will be dead worried again, and I expect again another set of dramatic texts, I couldn't bear to read at all...

God.... help me..

Help them realize what they have to do.

That I am not suppose to be experiencing this at all...

Feeling this...is not suppose to be happening...

I only helped...in a way I know I could keep them in sight, instead of going somewhere we don't know

Now what did I get... I was ran after as if I kidnapped them... 

AM I A BAD MOM?

BAD FRIEND?

BAD STRANGER?

#sobs

Stop Intruding in my Life!!!! Shit!!!

Dear Dad,

What exactly would you like me to feel every time you scold me about being not that responsible? 

What made you think I am not doing everything the right way? 

You make other people envious of how responsible we are, and behind their backs you tell the opposite?

You're definitely out of your mind, Dad.

Why don't you just stop intruding to my life, let me work on my own?

You know how I hate you scolding me everytime as if I don't know what I'm doing.

Whatever may happen to my life, is going to be my fault, my destiny,

you're just there to guide, but stop controlling my life for Christ's sake!

Why would I let my friends stay just beside our house?

Thinking I only want them there because I want company for drinking, playing, and other things intolerable for you????

You always assume, YOU NEVER ASK. 

You always judge what I do as if YOU NEVER KNOW ME AT ALL.

What's more...

You instil into my mind that I am nothing, that I cannot live alone, without you and Mom around.

Try me. Get lost. Go Away. Go to America, as what you said. I don't care.

And I will show you how I can run my own car, instead of you driving my wheels.

My GC~Life Is A Past-Time, Not A CAREER.

I really don't get it. Why do people make a fuss when they beat me in game just because I am the guild leader of Kudos that does not mean I'm the strongest among my members. Seriously, I am the weakest Guild Leader Grand Chase ever has. Why? Because Grand Chase for me is not a CAREER. Its a past-time, stress-relief game, that I enjoy playing, and more of handling my guild are my only passion that's why I stay playing Grand Chase Philippines.

Grand Chase, the only online game that I first played continuously for two straight years! And with due respect to my character, I am  not that noob as you think. Its not a career for me, but I know my limitations and capabilities. If its not just for career, or I may only be as young as you are guys, I will for sure kick some butt ^_^

If you find me in game, and ever beaten me, be lucky, cuz my hands is not for ONLINE GAMING but for my TECHNICAL SUPPORT JOB. I would rather spend most of my time at work, earning as much as P20,000+ per month, than spend P20,000+ for Gacha/Ellia/Cash sets to make yourself strong and powerful in PVP. Mind you, I could play B+ stats, xProps, xPet and beat the hell out of you :)

(BRING BACK SEASON2!!! HAHAHA)

Bring it on ~ Ley Miyu

Loving Someone Should Be Simple....

Thanks to this GM text message, Lavin Wildfire, let me share it to others =)

Love is something so complicated and gets more complicated as time goes on, but its only gotten more complicated cuz people makes it more complicated. Its very much simple. If you two love each other, then be together, there are no other reasons if you two are really in love, you will find a way to make it work but sometimes getting to actual love itself is the complicated part that gets harder and harder, back then if two people like each other.

They simply be a couple, end up falling in love a few months in, now its all about what you wear, how you talk, how much money you got, and most importantly, if you are GOOD LOOKING. These people aren't looking for love. What they look for is a trophy to carry around, its not love which this lesson goes good for girls who make guys their bf's and end up crying cuz they had no idea that person was like that, simple as that. 

It was better when a relationship was based on compatibility, similarities, what you like, and what you hate, and back then it was a lot simple when girls didn't make a guy course them for months face it that dos not help you get to know a guy it doesn't love will not come if you talk to him only when you're in the mood or he gives you gifts, love comes when you two spend a lot of time with each other, seeing how compatible you two are with each other.

Love only comes when you two have been together for awhile not during the 1st to 100th date when you two aren't a couple yet. That's how complicated it has become, both need to show not the most but the proper effort. 

If she has problems, you talk to her, give her advice, and let her know that you're always there for her, and for the girls, when a guy asks you out, just be yourself. You pick your own food in the restaurant, and not let him decide everything.

Show your interest and also talk and give your own opinions not letting him do all the work.  Love isn't gonna come if the relationship is just one-sided. 

That's how simple love is. Just show proper effort and take a risk with that person, and by that risk falling in love, you will never fall in love if you don't  fall at all...

Images credits to My Sassy Girl Photos, One of my favorite movies...

Its written in the stars, whoever God intended for me, I must not LOOK for him. He should come for me. Make me love him as simple as that. He should love me, for what I am, for what I already have, just don't use me to feed his fantasy, to love me as me, to become complete without me, to be part of his life with no expectations, hesitations...

There is only one guy that God planned for me. He may not probably that father of my kid, I just wish I could meet him... when that happens, I will be the most happiest girl in the entire world...

Will or Will not start blogging...

According to the article that I have read, its relieves stress if you write an article to yourself.
I wonder what should I post.

Reveal the Unknown?
Share untold stories?
Experiences that may help others with the same scenario?

I dunno....