For Once, I wanna let it out...

New year, new life...
I guess I would have to move on upon letting this thing go...

I've had so many regrets of what has happened to me for the past year..
seems to be not good...in general.

First, career-wise, I am still stuck being a level tech support. My operations manager often asks me now, where am I leading? How do I see myself for the next few months or so..? I have said, I might be ready to take the lead. But I feel... am I really ready? Or I am just telling him that so he stopped bugging me. By this month, I should be taking PEP Courses so that I could go on LEAD program eventually right after. This can happen, I know. But LEAD? Can I surely pass it? I dunno.. I'm still doubting myself....

Next, family. I am certain. I really lack time to my kid. I certainly admit.Its my fault.
Daily routine: Go to work, once I get home, while eating lunch, I sit infront of this computer and spend about
3-4 hrs going onto Facebook, or Grand Chase, then when I finally find myself sleepy about 4-5pm, I turn off the stupid pc, and go to bed, will wake up by 12mn to go to work. Where's the time to my kid? Partial... it happens only during weeks, rest days, still most of it, being spent online. My parents get mad. I don't fuckin care. My kid having this behavioral disorders, I don't know how to correct him anymore. I never been a mom to him. I'm afraid, I am not a mommy still -- I am still not acting one, I am fuckin immature, and fuckin not taking my life seriously...

THESE ARE THE THINGS I CERTAINLY MOST REGRET and I intend to change it this year. I am not getting any younger. I am woman now, and not a kid, to act like one. Sadly, I regret having a kid. Maybe because I can't enjoy single hood. But, what the fuck, I am not supposed to be single in the first place!!!  Anyway, since the situation is like this already, I have to accept the fact, that I am a single-parent, because of the stupidest decision I made in my entire life: to let myself fall to a happy-go-lucky-mama's-boy and now, I am suffering still. Suffering for not having a good path in life, after what has happened to us, I still cannot compose myself... Still does not know where my life should go. My happiness is always --- a bit. Partial. Having boyfriends after him still does not change the fact, that after our broke-up, everything in life is broken. I am broken. I don't even know if another guy would marry me, despite everything happened to me in the past. Yes, that may happen, but for how long would someone understand, that HE married me with attachment, and what's my assurance that my kid will be accepted, and will not be treated as his OWN. Greatest fears pre-occupying me, that's why most of my relationships after Angelo, are all such FAILURES. And now, I am afraid to start another relationship, or RENEW a past relationship because of these fears. So many that sometimes, I don't want to think nor to entertain at all.

Significantly, let me share this...

I hate myself. My life would not be like this, if not because of me.
If only I could turn back time, I would choose the time after college, that my plan was so concrete.
I am going to Benjamin Erickson, my American ex-bf for more than 1 year (during college). I would work in Phoenix, Arizona and have a good prosperous life with him. I could've brought my parents there and my siblings, and I would have our own version of HART, which I am pretty much sure, as clever as he can be.

This is not gonna happen anymore...
I certainly regret my life..
I want a good start... But how... I am trying my best to put HART as my inspiration to work harder, to have a clear path for him, but whenever I entertain my emotions, romance, relationships, its leading me to the dark-side. Instead of being inspired, I am more ruined.

I dunno where to go...
How can I start...
How can I find myself..

I guess I would have to start, as if I don't have known Grand Chase.
Many things happened to my life after having this GAME of my LIFE.
Past relationships.
Handling a successful guild.
Meeting new friends and wonderful people, some are something that can be forgotten.
Talking to stranger --- nonsense & worthwhile.
Dealing with trashtalkers, bullcraps in-game.
Everything under the sun, just right in this game.

But then, one thing I cannot regret, is the fact that I enjoyed playing it, otherwise, I would not spend my hours to this game, more than the time I spent to my son...

Sorry for my baby...
Don't worry, Mum will fix herself soon..
Very soon. Before its too late, for the BOTH OF US. :(

#sobshalfbrokenhalffull